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  • Writer's pictureEnay

As time goes by .... life goes by too...

The Major Arcana The Fool has no number or number 0. After years of learning and reading, I just really truly understand it now.

After reading about it in tens ,( I was going to write hundreds), of books and learning with teachers that told me that The Fool is the significator for you or the questioner, I did not deeply understand it, how come, the fool?, or as other decks call it El loco ( the mad one)? me the fool? , no way, I want the High Priestess, the Emperatrice, Temperance, come on, we have more glamorous cards, but the Fool? Nah, !

Alas, after years and years , it just dawned on me, I just realised that the only true significator is The Fool.

We are all born FOOL and we all die FOOL, There is no way out, everything in between those Fool stages is just a mirage.

There is no way back, there is no rehearsals in life, it is the real thing from day one to the last and no remakes...

The realisation came down like a sharp painful deep slap to my mind, to my faith even.

I was shaken... My life as I knew it is no more. It can't be, It will never be.

After almost 30 years, I went to visit my mother .... it was ... a huge shock, I still cannot put into words what I saw, what I felt and how I felt it was a message for me.

Time goes by unchecked.. and with it goes life, your life and it goes by for good.

Through the years I kept begging my mother to come with us, to stay as long or as little as she wanted... I spoke to her over the phone almost daily ... then life got very complicated when one of my children had serious health complications and super complicated when my late husband got cancer... we could not talk daily, but we did talk a few times a week, she decided to remain in the other side of the world.

I needed help, I needed my mother, I knew she could not physically help, but we needed her presence, to be able to talk to her... I do not know how to explain it... and time went by and so did life.

There was always a "soon" , "when", "if" ... time kept going by. And no one saw that together with it went life .

Everything was moving fast and quick in that dichotomy of slow motion sensation when you are within the situation and gone by fast when you look back at it.

My late husband's death was a shock, we knew it was coming, I was very aware of it... and then when it happened it was all too soon and too real... and Death became a very present card. Awareness shifted now mortality was real, and time became very real, very concrete.

I was not in control of my mother's decision to keep herself away and far from us, both physical and emotionally. I did not judge her because, as a war survivor and after all the trauma of the war, becoming blind and eventually a young widow with small children, there is no room for judgements.

And now what?, how do I go ahead, what do I do?, Where do I go from here ?.

My mother has dementia now and it is weak, it is progressing fast and the environment is challenging to say the least.

No doubt now, we cannot have all the conversations she had stored to have scheduled "when you come by" , "when I go to visit you" now life has gone by too.

Her Fool and my Fool are not meeting. They are FOOLS from different decks, her fool is , marching against my will towards the WORLD the exit card, and mine is left dumbfounded wondering where all went and from where I pick up the pieces.

Her home is frozen in time, in her kitchen she has the baby dishes I used as a baby, those dishes that parents buy when they start training babies and toddlers to eat real food, not just milk....

The furniture, is the one back in the 90's and so is everything else, there are things even from the time before I was born, and this is not the place where I was born, she brought it here.

She, my mother, is not frozen in time, time went by fast.

My message is, we are all FOOL, we are all 0 and beyond 0 and eventually life catches up with us. Life keeps on while we get off it at some point, emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

Stay healthy, stay well, stay on....

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